


A Letter Farewell

by jellysharkbat



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Again, Angst, Cullen's life has kinda seriously sucked now that I think about it, M/M, Maybe I should find a beta, Not Beta'd, Not what it seems I promise, allusions to torture
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-18
Updated: 2020-02-18
Packaged: 2021-02-27 18:27:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,324
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22790215
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jellysharkbat/pseuds/jellysharkbat
Summary: Alistair,I think I've written this letter a thousand times, only to throw it into the nearest fire in a pique of frustration. Even now, I'm not completely sure what to say to you. I don't think I will ever know. What does one say in a letter that is meant to be read after he is dead?
Relationships: Alistair/Cullen Rutherford
Comments: 5
Kudos: 18





	A Letter Farewell

L,

Thank you for making sure that this gets to him.

C.

-

Alistair,

I think I've written this letter a thousand times, only to throw it into the nearest fire in a pique of frustration. Even now, I'm not completely sure what to say to you. I don't think I will ever know. What does one say in a letter that is meant to be read after he is dead? 

Maybe if I start at the beginning, that will provide some clarity to the both of us.

There was a time when I used to believe I knew my place in the world. I was so certain of it. I thought I knew where I had to be and what role I'd play in this life. Andraste did not guide me to follow my parents' footsteps, but rather closer to Her. I would fight and protect on Her behalf; I would keep the ones dearest to me safe from harm.

Instead, I have done so many things wrong. My crimes will always outweigh what little good I have managed to do. And still, I fight. I have spent over half of my life on one battlefield or another, it seems. But in truth, it is not where I am meant to be. I don't know why I never realized it earlier. Perhaps I'm just a fool who is perpetually blind to the truth. I hope you can forgive me for not realizing sooner.

Because the truth of it is: I was made to fall in love with you.

And I do. Maker help me, but I love you so much.

We have spent almost 20 years weaving in and out of each other's lives. In all that time, I never stopped loving you. Not once.

Alistair, do you remember our first kiss? I do. I remember how nervous I was, how it felt like my heart was going to jump out of my chest, how I was half-convinced you would notice and change your mind, and how I was already preparing myself for a broken heart and humiliation. To think that someone as funny and clever and handsome as you would ever notice a village farm boy from the middle of nowhere…

Even now, just the thought of you makes my heart stutter.

You are the best thing that ever happened to me. Truly. I can't imagine my life without you in it. I am constantly in awe of you. If I didn't know any better, I would swear it was magic. You have me completely under your spell.

And yet, it seems like for all the joy you have brought me, I returned it with cruelty and bad decisions. Maker only knows why you love a broken fool like me. I can think of so many things I should have done differently:

I should have told you that I wanted to be your friend when I first met you. Instead I allowed myself to make you an enemy for the next several months. Thank the Maker for potatoes and Brother Alden's secret stash of ale. I'm glad that night changed things between us.

I should have beaten the crap out of Wilhelm after he made fun of you for 'being the bastard no one wants' after practice. I can remember how you laughed away his remark. I also remember seeing you slip away from everyone else, and how upset you looked when you thought no one was watching. I wanted to break his nose for saying that to you. If I ever see him again, I will. I do not care how long it has been. He still deserves it.

I should have told everyone how much I liked you after we became something more than friends. Instead I turned you into a secret, like the coward I am. You deserve a man who will gladly jump onto the roof of every building to shout his love for you. I swear I am trying to be better about that. You can even ask Dorian, Andraste help me, for proof. My embarrassment means nothing if it means that the world will know how much I adore you.

I should have gone with you that night to the lake just beyond the Chantry's training grounds. I remember you offering. It would have been just us. I wanted to, but I was so scared that I wasn't ready for 'more'. I didn't want to disappoint you. I wish I had been braver. I think I spent the rest of that night, and the following days, kicking myself.

I shouldn't have hit you the night you left. I let my temper get the best of me. The Wardens deserve a capable man like you on their side. You are an amazing warrior. You’re fast, strong, and clever. The Warden that picked you chose well. I'm sorry I was an ass.

I should have believed it was really you when you rescued me. I wish I had. I promise I didn't mean the things I said to you. I would never want you to experience what I did. I'm thankful you have no idea what really happened...and never will.

I shouldn't have let things between us get so bad while I was in Kirkwall. I missed you. I swear I did. I always hoped that the next letter I received would be from you. You were right about so much.

I shouldn't have avoided you when you first came to Skyhold. I missed you. I missed you more than anything. I wish I had reacted better. Instead I locked myself in my office and tried to convince myself that there was no point in seeing you. It’d been too long since we last saw each other, too many hurt feelings between us. I’m glad you sought me out, but I wish you hadn’t felt the need to. I should have behaved like a 30 year old man, not a 14 year old boy.

I should have told you that I stopped taking lyrium sooner; instead you found me during one of my episodes. I'm not proud that you saw it. I’d prefer if no one ever saw me in such a state. I’m aware that that won’t always be possible, and if I am to survive them, someone should be aware. And you were right when you said I shouldn’t be alone during my episodes. Still, I regret that you had to play nursemaid to me and suffer through my ramblings and pleas while not knowing what was going on.

Most importantly though:

I should have loved you better. I should have been making you smile. I should have been giving you a reason to laugh. I should have given in to every urge to give you a token of my affection. I should have told you every day how much I love you. I should have introduced you to everyone as the love of my life. I should have taken you to, finally, meet my family. I should have spent every night worshiping you. I should have married you.

Andraste's tits, Alistair. I wish I spent all that time proving my love to you instead of pushing you away and hurting you. You deserve so much better than what I have given you. I can only pray that one day you will forgive me.

But the thing I think I will regret most is that I will never get the chance to tell you all of this, and so much more.

Alistair Theirin, please remember that I spent the better part of my life in love with you. Even at my worst, I loved you. Andraste willing, I will see you again in another life, and I promise, when that time comes and if you choose to give me the chance, I will be the man you deserve.

I love you.

Forever yours,

Cullen Stanton Rutherford


End file.
